


Wish I Were Heather

by Cirrius_Akiyo



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Delirium, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Feelings Realization, Fever, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Heavy Angst, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Beta Read, Oblivious Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Pining, Sick Evan "Buck" Buckley, Sickfic, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Worried Eddie Diaz, bury me under all of my grammatical errors, hurt!buck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:54:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25955536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cirrius_Akiyo/pseuds/Cirrius_Akiyo
Summary: Sometimes, Buck wishes he was born a female, then maybe he could easily confess his undying love to his best friend.Or,A feeling realization fics loosely based on Conan Gray's "Heather".
Relationships: Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)/Original Female Character(s), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 70
Kudos: 184





	1. Me in Your Sweater

**Author's Note:**

> "I still remember  
> Third of December  
> Me in your sweater  
> You said it looked better  
> On me, than it did you  
> Only if you knew  
> How much I liked you  
> But I watch your eyes, as she  
> Walks by  
> What a sight for  
> Sore eyes  
> Brighter than a  
> Blue sky  
> She's got you  
> Mesmerized  
> While I die"

"You're still coming over tonight right, Buck?" Eddie asks while his head still stuck halfway inside his locker, packing the last of his things before going back home for the day.

"Sure. I'll just need to make a quick stop for gas and I'll come over with the pizza." Buck replies, not even lifting his head from where he is tying his shoelaces.

Eddie chuckles in elation. "Oh good. Thought you'd cancel on us with the storm." Eddie says as he locks the locker before joining Buck who is already standing at the door of the locker room with an umbrella waiting in hand.

"I'll storm the weather just to spend some quality time with Christopher, you know I will." _And with you_. But Buck just let the words die on the tip of his tongue.

They both carry on to walk side by side in sync towards their designated parking spaces located next to each other.

It is one of many moments that Buck loves. These small chances to be with Eddie. Call him selfish, but Buck will seize any moment to be in Eddie's space, the man that he comes to love so hard. Not that Eddie knows. Moreover, his best friend is as straight as the umbrella he is holding.

"Triple cheese and classic pepperoni, right?" Buck chimes as Eddie slides into his truck, angling the umbrella so that not a drop of rain touch his best friend.

"You know the drill." Eddie smiles while igniting his monstrosity of truck (as Buck described it) up.

"See you in a bit." It feels so intimate, bound by their little promises as if they are in their own little world, speaking their own tune and having their own routine. Buck allows his heart to relish in the present a bit longer.

///

The storm is not a merciful one and between the gas station and the pizza place, Buck is already halfway soaked to the bone.

Standing in front of Eddie's front door, Buck grimaces at the puddle forming under his shoes, feeling a little guiltier as the water follows into the doorway.

Eddie immediately comes with a towel in hand before taking away the pizza boxes. "You're soaked." He comments.

Buck takes the towel gratefully. "Thank you, Eddie. That is very observant of you." He quips jokingly while patting his body dry, not that the towel could dry much with how soaked he already is.

"Come on, let's get you in the shower. I'll lend you some of my sweaters later." Eddie pulls Buck's hand and drags him towards the guestroom. Buck shudders, some from the rain, but mostly from the warm touch of Eddie's hand in his. He immediately wills his heartbeat to calm down, because this lingering touch surely is to be missed greatly later on.

The shower is a quick one, just enough to warm him up. Stepping into the guest room, Buck can see Eddie already laid out a change for him, consisting of Eddie's favorite sweater and sweatpants.

Buck immediately feels giddy thinking how Eddie could simply lend him his favorite one just for Buck to sleep in and that tonight he'll be sleeping surrounded by something that smells of Eddie.

"It looks better on you," Eddie says from the doorway.

That immediately snaps Buck from his creeping minds. "What?" Buck stutters sheepishly. _Real smooth, Buck._

"The sweater. You look good in it." Eddie compliments again. "But I want it back. That's my favorite." Eddie teases lightly.

"We'll see if you get it back." Buck retorts relieved Eddie didn't catch him daydreaming.

"Come on. Christopher is whining the pizza is getting cold." Eddie grabs Buck's hand again, and his treacherous heart starts to thump heavily again. _This is all platonic, Buck._ Buck chases his wishful thinking again.

They settle in front of the television and proceeds with the dinner and movie, just like every Friday night when both of them off from work. As usual, Christopher is nicely squeezed between the two man, delighted that his Buck is staying for the night due to the storm outside.

///

They are halfway through the movie when Christopher finally can't keep his eyes open anymore.

"I'll get him to settle for the night." Buck offers, already guiding Chris towards the bathroom to wash up. Eddie just hums appreciatively, taking another swing of his second beer.

Moments later, Buck returns to the living room, all satisfied that Chris is out in a blink. The school must be tiring for Chris today, who is usually vibrant with so much energy.

"Hey." Eddie greets when Buck steps towards the couch.

"Hey to you too. Are you planning to let loose tonight?" Buck shots up an eyebrow, seeing Eddie cracking up his third beer. Eddie is not the one usually getting all hammered up. In fact, he is the 118 designated driver every time they went out together, alongside with Bobby or Athena.

Eddie hums, relaxing more into his drinks. "Just feel like it. With you here, I think why not just a few more. We're both off tomorrow." Eddie smiles more widely to Buck, the alcohol is starting to affect him.

Buck knows he needs to take Eddie's words on face value, just the literal translation of them. But his mind just read the words as; _"I trust you to watch over us when I am drunk."_ And that trust, Buck will wield them proudly.

Eventually, both of them focus back to the movie playing on the screen. But then, after the movie almost done, Buck could feel Eddie is slowly inching toward him on the couch and he immediately stiffen, not daring to hope.

"Have I told you, you look _stunning_ in that sweater?" Eddie whispers in a hoarse voice.

Buck stammers, not really knowing what to do or say. Yet, Buck dares to turn his head to face Eddie, observing the flushed cheeks and hazed eyes. Eddie is clearly drunk.

"Eddie..." Buck warns as Eddie leans in, not wanting to take advantage of the situation despite his heart is raging hard against his ribcage, rivaling the storm outside.

Eddie stops with their lips barely touching each other at Buck's admonishment.

"You're drunk," Buck states, trying hard to level his voice and hide his nervousness.

Eddie scrunches his face in confusion, not understanding the implications.

"But I want to kiss you," Eddie says like it is obvious and Buck is the one not making any sense.

Buck knows Eddie and this is not his normal behavior. "Kiss me when you're sober." _If you remember this moment._

Buck has been wishing for this for a long time, but he wishes Eddie was sober.

"If I am sober, I don't think I'll kiss you," Eddie says in a hushed whisper. "Sorry." Eddie continues to take another gulp of his drink like nothing life-altering situation just happened between them.

Stunned, Buck just agrees even though the fact that Eddie literally just confessed that he doesn't want Buck in his waking moment just shred his heart to a pulp.

Buck goes to bed that night with a heavy mind after shuffling a very much drunk Eddie to his room.

And as he predicted, Buck couldn't sleep a wink that night even though Eddie was able to drift away as soon as he hits the pillow.

When the morning comes, like Buck also foresee, Eddie doesn't remember a thing, and so, life moves on just like it was before, leaving Buck in his broken mess.

///

It is almost two weeks after that fateful night that Buck only knows, and Buck still nursing his melancholy of missed opportunity, albeit covertly. Although he thinks Hen and Chimney (which ultimately caused Maddie to know) notice, they didn't say anything yet, much to his gratefulness.

But things got from bad to worse, and it doesn't help Buck's severe case of melancholy at all.

They just get back from a call for an apartment gas leak when the 'thing' transpires.

There, waiting at the loft is a beautiful lady with a box of cupcakes waiting for them.

"Hi!" She greets them in all smiles, flipping her hair back. "Hey, Eddie!" She honest to God, giggles, shooting her perfect smile, lined with perfect white teeth.

"Heather, right?" Eddie greets back cheerfully, extending his hand for a handshake that lasts a beat to long. Buck could literally see Eddie's eyes shines with interest. How bad he wishes it is for the cupcakes, but who is Buck kidding. The lady, Heather, is beautiful with sandy gold hair and clear baby blue eyes, yet Buck just thinks she looks like his mother. Maybe that is jealousy speaking, but who cares.

"You're from the car crash last Wednesday, aren't you? How are you doing?" Bobby breaks the silence, changing the mood swiftly into a more professional meeting. Hen and Chimney followed suit greeting her, and they all fall into comfortable chatters.

But Buck's battered heart just got beaten some more as Eddie stays on her side, easing more and more as she tells about her recovery and gratitude. Seeing Eddie got so mesmerized by her just make something in Buck dies even more. So, with a polite smile and short quips, Buck retreats downstairs, contemplating either for a shower or a nap.

Buck chooses the later and picks the furthest bed when he enters the bunk room, away from the chats and giggles, away from his heartbreak.

///

Another Friday night rolls and Buck spring in his steps thinking of movie night with Christopher.

"Triple cheese and classic pepperoni as usual?" Buck asks as Eddie walks out freshly showered and dressed (although quite too nicely for a trip back home).

"Oh, sorry Buck. I was meant to tell you." Eddie glances at Buck sheepishly, and that caused Buck to break in a cold sweat.

"I'm going out with Heather tonight, and I meant to ask you whether you can stay over and look after Chris while I am out?" Eddie asks bashfully, and there it is, the impending catastrophe that Buck had anticipated from the moment Heather stood on that loft. Because Buck knows Eddie.

But Buck soldiered on and collects his voice. "Sure, whatever you need, man." Buck throws Eddie his cheery patented smile, despite the hollowness in his chest where his heart meant to be.

Eddie sighs in relief. "Great. The guest room is all yours." Eddie says as he rushes out, leaving Buck frozen in his place. _Well, there is that. Time to move on, Buck._

Buck startles when a hand squeezing his bicep. "Hey, are you okay?" Chimney asks sincerely. _How long has he been standing there?_

"Yeah. Yeah. Just lost in thought." Buck covers and hastily gathers his stuff to get back to Chris sooner.

Chimney shots him a sympathetic look, piercing through his lies, but Buck doesn't care. He needs to march on with his life, and now his immediate objective is to be with Christopher. To bask with Christopher's laugh and affection, something that soon will be taken away from Buck, too.

///

Buck tries his damnedest best to hate on Heather, but couldn't. What is there to hate? She is an angel. Even Christopher warmed up to her, saw her as some wonder woman with a big personality. The kid is very honest, invalidating any reason for Buck to hate her. Heck, even he himself had chatted with Heather and no lie, she is easy to be with. No wonder Eddie got mesmerized by her.

This is his punishment to bear, for not being brave enough to confess, for being a coward, a loser, a loner. So Buck just let his heart be torn piece by piece, as long as Eddie is happy and content.

Eddie had been so chirpy after their first date, which followed with a second and a third. And they have been planning for a fourth after the 118 next gatherings. All the while appointing Buck to watch Christopher over, which Buck had accepted gladly.

Buck knows it is not easy for Eddie to let anybody in, and so Buck will not be the one who is holding Eddie back from expanding his horizon. Eddie deserves better, no, Eddie deserves so much more and it is not Buck.

Presently, the 118 is having a barbecue night at the beach and Buck delightedly mingle with the kids, engrossing himself with the games, trying to distract himself from the fact that Eddie invited Heather as his plus one. When it comes to team gathering, Eddie, Christopher and Buck always came as one unit, but now things have changed. Buck ride along with Chimney and Maddie this evening, giving weak excuses like to be with his sister before the baby pops out.

Buck chats around, eat some and drinks some, but never stands an inch closer to the couple.

When the night gets chiller, Buck sees from the corner of his eyes Eddie pulls himself out of his sweater, _that sweater_ , and drapes it over Heather's shoulder. And Buck swears he instantly feels colder, much colder as Eddie stands with her while she is holding his hand, _that hand_.

When Eddie wraps his arm over her sweater-clad shoulder, Buck knows his fractured heart couldn't take it anymore. Buck couldn't stay any longer in this vicinity, not if he wants to save his tears from falling in front of all of them.

Hen and Karen are sharing a story of Denny and Nia when Buck interrupts the chat, excusing himself for the night.

Maddie immediately jumps in concern, sensing the turbulence drawn all over on his younger brother's face. "Are you okay? I'll get my bag and call Chim." Maddie is ready to call out to Chimney who is chatting away with Michael and Bobby on landscaping, but Buck cuts to her.

"No, no need. I'm just going to take a walk along the beach, and then call some Uber or something. You just enjoy yourself." Buck says sincerely, not wanting to cut Maddie's time out short with his heartache. With the baby is coming along, he really doesn't want to rob Maddie from her childless night out. 

After saying his goodbyes, Buck strolls along the paved walkway, feeling the breeze hits his face, numbing away the feeling that is eating him inside. The coldness outside doesn't rival to the frostiness Buck feels deep down, chilling to the center of his core.

But as Buck's luck always has it, it suddenly drizzles and so he is caught in the rain with no shelter in sight. Feeling overwhelmed and helpless, Buck breaks down and cries his eyes out, cries for the love that cannot be, letting the rain washes away the tears that he continues to weep.

Wash away the skeleton he used to be and used to hide.

///


	2. Not As Pretty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck wants to move on, he really did, but Eddie is catching up. Will they arrive at the place they both wanted to be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Why would you ever kiss me?  
> I'm not even half, as pretty  
> You gave her your sweater  
> It's just polyester, but you like her better  
> Wish I were Heather
> 
> Watch as she stands with  
> Her holding your hand  
> Put your arm 'round her shoulder  
> Now I'm getting colder
> 
> But how could I hate her?  
> She's such an angel  
> But then again, kinda  
> Wish she were dead, as she
> 
> Walks by  
> What a sight for  
> Sore eyes  
> Brighter than a  
> Blue sky  
> She's got you  
> Mesmerized  
> While I die"

When he woke up the next morning, Buck knows something is not right. He feels hot and cold all at the same time, and his throat feels scratchy and raw. With how long he was stranded in the rain last night, coupled with heavy crying, no wonder Buck feels like death loomed over today. Buck curses the toxic rain when violent coughs suddenly rattle his aching chest. 

But...his mind supplies; at least he doesn't need to show up at the firehouse, plastering his happy face when clearly he is not okay, physically or emotionally. Buck decides to take the cold as a blessing in disguise and promptly calls Bobby to call out from today's shift. 

///

"We'll be a man down today. Buck just called out. He's down with a cold." Bobby commences the morning briefing by informing the crews of the latest updates.

It is not unusual for them to call out from time to time, but Buck never did. Even during his last massive migraine, he still come to work, only to be driven home by Bobby with a flask of hearty potato and carrot soup in tow. 

And with Buck's track record, this definitely a reason to worry. 

"Is he okay?" Eddie frets, distress clearly drawn on his face. 

"He said it is just a common cold, but we will keep high alert on him." Bobby assures, trying to calm the distraught man. 

"Don't worry, man. I'll ask Maddie to keep an eye on him. You'll have your partner back soon enough." Chimney says while patting Eddie's back as the morning briefing continues. With Maddie approaching her due date in less than 3 months, she already drop off some shifts. The stress from intense 911 calls are not really good for the baby, and she's been yapping at Chimney on how bored she is. So maybe this is a win-win situation. 

Eddie is still unsure about that, but something is clearly wrong. For one, he feels like Buck was behaving oddly these couple of weeks, but he was still all smiles and cheery with the team and Christopher. Just...weird, at least to Eddie. 

Not that Eddie has the opportunity to inquire, with his free nights spent with Heather. Thinking back, it has been some times since he last hang out with Buck, just the two of them. Maybe he should drop by later. Not for beer as usual, but maybe with some food from Abuela. 

"Control center to Eddie Diaz." Chimney quips, jerking Eddie back to the present moment. 

Hen puts a hand on Eddie's shoulder with a concern look eyeing at him silently. 

"I'm just worried about him. Does Buck seemed okay lately to you guys?" Eddie's question goes unanswered, just acknowledged by collective hums by the duo. 

Hen exchanges side glances with Chim, a silent communication transpired between them, totally unnoticed by Eddie who is still very much bummed out without his partner today. 

///

The fever just doesn't seem to break. 

Buck has been evading Eddie's calls like a plague. He's just been replying Eddie's messages with vague and short replies just to keep the man at bay. 

Buck knows he needs to get up soon, take his temperature and medicines, and to rehydrate himself some more. He couldn't really keep the food down, having thrown up the last time. Another hot shower would be nice, but Buck couldn't find any strength to move with how hard it is for him to even breath and his body aches. So Buck let's himself to drift off again, just for a moment. 

///

Buck is currently stuck with Maddie after she came over that afternoon, with hot soup and extra medicines for his little brother, and extra rants about rainy season and his stupidity. 

Buck doesn't complain, just glad to have his big sister with him today, after being so agonizingly miserable for a day and half alone by himself. 

"Do you want to try some soup again?" Maddie whispers against the crown of his head. 

"No. Jus' wan'a t'cddle wit' you." Buck murmurs, nuzzling deeper into Maddie's warm left side, his right hand draped over his sister's belly. Maddie continues to caress his brother's warm back, tracing comforting patterns using her hand that is spooning him (despite it has started going numb with how heavy Buck is), while her right hand strokes the damp curls now and then. 

The position mimics what a young Buck always did when he's either ill or distraught, and a young Maddie always indulged him with lots of cuddles. No matter how big or heavy his brother get, he will always be Maddie's little spoon. Buck was (and still is) an affectionate child, craving touch and pets anytime he could get one, never shied to share away his touch. 

But lately, Buck seems to withdraw away from every touch and pats. Touching him is like touching live wire, he'll either stiffen or twitch away.

"I miss you." Maddie whispers above the drifting man, pulling him closer to her side. 

"'M'here Maddie." Buck replies, already half asleep, content being cocooned in the warmth of his sister. 

"Not emotionally, no. Where did you go?" Maddie looks down to her brother, whose now bright eyed, either from the fever or the question she had asked that had struck a string. 

"'M in a'bad place, Mad." Buck confesses forlornly. There is no use for him to beat around the bush with how eerily easy for Maddie to read him, to understand him. 

"Why are you there, Evan? You know you can always tell me anything. I've promised you I'm staying, right." Maddie says in a hushed manner, trying to coax her brother to tell her more without him clamming up. 

"Wanted t'move on. T'stop lovin' Eddie." Buck replies, hiding beneath Maddie knitted cardigan. 

"Oh, Evan." Maddie pulls her brother into a hug, enveloping him as much as she could with her protruding belly. She knows how much Buck cares about Eddie, loving him unconditionally when he could pick to be with any other single man or woman without any baggage, but he choose Eddie. But Eddie choose Heather. 

"I'll be there with you for every decision you'll take. To move on or not move on. To dwell in this a little longer or to hook up with someone random as soon as you're healthy. I'll be there." Maddie assures him with conviction, knowing how easy Buck to feel the world is forsaking him, now perhaps feeling like Eddie is abandoning him with his new found love interest. 

"Hmm. T'ank 'u" Buck acknowledges sluggishly. 

"But Evan, when I say I'll support you moving on, Evan, it means in this life, not to the afterlife. Are you sure you don't want to go the hospital? You're getting warmer." 

"No hosp'tal. Please." Buck hides his face even further into Maddie's cardigan, definitely painting with his snots there. 

"Let's get you inside another cold shower to bring that temperature down before I go for my appointment." Maddie pulls away from the tangled limbs and out of the bed before pulling Buck to stand up and guide him towards the bath tub. 

After much drama and limbs flailing, Buck is back to bed with fresh set of ratty T-Shirt and sweatpants. 

"Now you be good. Call me if anything changes. I'll come by when I'm done soon enough." She leans down and give Buck a kiss on his warm forehead, before tucking him under his blanket. 

"Luv'ou, Mads." Buck mumbles before completely drifts off in a matter of seconds. 

"I love you too, little brother." Maddie replies to the sleeping man. 

///

Later in the late evening, Buck is pulled out of his sleep again when his phone beeps. Buck still feels sluggish although from how high the sun already is, Buck knows he must been out for a while. 

After much effort, Buck finally presses the receipt button without looking at the display, putting the phone near his aching ear. 

"'Lloo." Buck slurs sleepily, sniffling behind his stuffy nose. 

"Buck? Are you there? Are you okay? You sound terrible. Are you getting sicker?" Eddie doesn't hold his missile and shoots Buck with question upon question. 

Buck regrets immediately for picking the phone up. 

"Just a cold. 'M 'kay." Buck lets out a laboured breath as he tries to sit up. He really needs to shower soon. 

"You don't sound okay. I'm coming after the shift." Eddie retorts back, worry clear in his voice. 

That got Buck to sit straight up. No, Buck is not ready to face Eddie, what's more in his current state. "You don' 'ave to. Jus' a cold, Eddie." Buck pushes forward, biting his lips to keep himself from coughing. 

"I don't like the way you sound." Eddie rebuts. Damn, this man can be stubborn if he wants to. 

"Don't. I don'wanna infect you 'n Chris." Buck says pleadingly, trying to put more emphasis on the words. He really can't do this today, so please, let him licks his heartache first before he goes back being the 'Bestfriend Buck'. 

Eddie lets out a huge sigh, contemplating the weight of Buck's reasoning. "Just promise me you'll call if you got worse." Eddie finally compromise. 

"Promise." It is an empty promise, unlike every other time, Buck knows. He'll probably call Maddie again later, but if that what it takes to keep Eddie away, Buck will lie through his teeth all over again. 

Yet, even after cups of hot tea and even longer shower, Buck only feels colder and worse than before, unable to get any real rest. The coughing is getting harsher now that when he coughs, Buck could feel his lungs rattles inside his chest. 

Buck knows it is prudent to call somebody, to call Maddie again, but he couldn't even muster any energy to pull himself up or move his limb, let alone hold on his phone, which to his dismay, had fallen off onto the floor while he was tossing and turning earlier on when he coughed his lungs out. 

Buck could hear his phone beeps with hundreds notifications and incoming calls, but he just couldn't has himself to care. He is aching all over, and he just want to drift back to dreamland, so he did. 

/// 

Eddie doesn't like this at all, and he is swamped with worry with everytime his messages got ignored and calls went unanswered. He tries to call Maddie about any update on Buck, but she's currently stuck with another appointment for the upcoming baby shower. 

"I think something is wrong with Buck, Cap. He stopped responding two and half hours ago. And Maddie currently is not with him." Eddie supplies when he climbs into the truck. 

Bobby doesn't respond immediately but a look of contemplation reflected on his face. It is possible the man is just sleeping, but Bobby too, can't shake the uneasiness that is slowly creeping at the back of his spine. 

"Dispatch, please be notified 118 is making a welfare check to St. Bixel Street." Bobby radioed in before driving through the city roads and Eddie wishes for the truck to go faster, but he really doesn't want his head bitten off. 

When they arrive, instead of breaking the door down with a ram after Buck fails to answer the door, Eddie unlocks the door with his spare key, much to Hen and Chimney's amusing. Eddie just rolls his eyes at their twisted smiles. 

The apartment is almost dark, no movement from the loft that indicates Buck is aware of their visit. Bobby switch on the kitchen light as Eddie climbs upstairs, heading towards the cocoon of blankets and pillows that is hiding Buck away from his view. 

"Buck." Eddie makes himself known, and not to startle the sleeping man as he flicks on the bed side lamp, basking the loft in an orangey hue. The team is still downstairs waiting for his cue, not wanting to make a fuss out of nothing. 

But this is far from nothing. 

As Eddie pulls down the blanket that went over Buck's head, Eddie is immediately pulled into high alert. 

Buck's cheeks are flushed, and his whole face, down to his neck and to the bit of exposed skin of his chest are damp with sweat, that his T-Shirt is soaked through. Eddie can see Buck is struggling to take in some air and his laboured breathing is hitching from time to time. 

Eddie puts his palm against the clammy forehead, only to be burned with how hot Buck is running. 

"Buck, hey Buck. Wake up. I think your fever is getting nastier." Eddie pats Buck's hollowed cheek. Has he always look this gaunt? 

After few taps, Buck opens his eyes, but doesn't show any kind of recognition to Eddie's presence. Suddenly, Buck lurches forward in an agonizing cough that shakes his whole body. Seconds passed before the cough quiet down and Buck continues to take in laboured breath. 

"Buck? Are you with me?" Eddie tugs Buck's head to face him, looking into the hazy blue eyes, clouded with fever. 

"Eddie?" Buck croaks. 

"Yeah, it's me. Your temperature seems to has risen up. We're bringing you to the ER." He gestures briefly, pointing at the team downstairs, not that Buck really comprehends. Eddie then pulls the blanket completely off Buck shivering body before trying to help Buck to sit up. 

"Y'here." Buck mumble at last, still leaning heavily into Eddie. 

"Yeah, Buck. Of course I'm here. Where else I'm gonna be?" Eddie tries to comfort Buck, not losing his hold.

"But...," Buck swallows thickly. "But...you'r wi'Heather. Why 'r you...'ere? Iss rainin'." Buck replies groggily, slurring at his mumbling words. 

Delirium. 

This is not good. 

"Buck, do you know where you are?" Eddie coaxes, but Buck just keep looking at him without any recognition. His warm breath comes out in small puff with no indication that he is aware of his present surrounding.

Now that Eddie is looking at Buck, he finally notices the blue tinge at the edge of his lips. Why didn't Eddie noticed that earlier? Before he starts berating himself for the delay, Eddie screams for backup. 

"Chim! Hen! Something is wrong!" Eddie yells and immediately the team climbs up the stairs in record time. 

Eddie shifts to the other side of the bed to provide ample space for Chim and Hen to work on. Pulling out the pulse-ox machine, Eddie could see Hen purses her lips at the reading, while changing knowing looks with Chim as he pressed his stethoscope alongside Buck's chest while taking in Buck's temperature. 

"His oxygen level is low at 90 percent, high temperature at 104.3, rattled breathing and delirium. He needs to go to the hospital like yesterday." Chimney gives out his professional assessment.

"Alright, get ready for transport." Bobby barks orders and soon enough, Eddie is sitting at the back of the ambulance with half-conscious Buck and a worried Hen who is busy monitoring the line. 

Buck groans slightly when they hit a pothole, sparking some hopes in Eddie. 

"Buck, hey. Can you hear me?" Eddie pulls himself closer to Buck who is blinking groggily before lets out irritated coughs behind the oxygen mask. 

"Edd...ie." Buck acknowledges under the strained breath when the cough subsides. 

Eddie sighs in relief with the recognition, but his relief was cut short when Buck starts to murmur incoherently. 

"You'll get wet. Go back...to Heather." 

That got Eddie confused. What is Buck talking about? Rain. Wet. It has been raining for few days now, all right. Is that all this is about? What does it has to do with Heather? 

Eddie shots up a confused look at Hen, who just simply shrugs knowingly, but doesn't want to meddle. 

At the end of his wits, Eddie just says, "What are you talking about, Buck? I'm not stuck in the rain."

"I was. Got cold too." Buck pauses to take in some air. "You wouldn't kiss me...not pretty." Buck stops, struggling to get another lungful of air. "Wish I were Heather. Then maybe you'd give me your sweater 'stead." Buck mumbles, eyes slowly shutting close as he finally surrenders to sleep once more. 

Eddie freeze at his seat, weighing the words Buck just said, remembering the ghost touch of those plump red lips on his, but wasn't that a dream?

He suddenly feels small pressure on his bicep and turns to see Hen smiles sadly, knowingly, encouragingly at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To move on or not to move on. That is the question. 
> 
> What do you guys think? 
> 
> Comments and kudos are always welcome. 
> 
> Follow me at my Tumblr: Cirrius-Akiyo


	3. While I Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "How is he doing?" Hen's voice breached the silence of the hospital room, bringing Eddie's attention back to the reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this fic honestly is hard for me to write because this topic, this issue of internalized homophobia stemmed out from the deepest part of me when I was in the early stage of discovering my sexuality, trying to figure out that I am not broken. 
> 
> I was so ashamed of myself for allowing myself to have a crush on my classmate. All my life I've been taught that I'm not allowed to do so, to like both men or women.
> 
> So this is a snippet of what my thought process was then, so please be kind. 
> 
> To all my friends out there who are still struggling, (I still am), please know that your feeling is valid. Whatever you're going through is valid. You are valid.

"How is he doing?" Hen's voice breached the silence of the hospital room, bringing Eddie's attention back to the reality. 

Eddie looks up to his sleeping partner, whose cheeks are still red with fever. Buck has been sleeping restlessly since he was admitted, most likely trapped in a fever induced dream and Eddie had tried to chase away the nightmare so Buck could rest easy. 

"He had opened his eyes for a few seconds after being settled but that's it. He hasn't wake up since." Eddie sighs, continuing tracing senseless patterns with his thumb on the back of Buck's hand in his hold. If Hen saw that he's been clutching Buck's hand for some time now, she doesn't comment.

Hen takes a seat at the opposite side of the bed, taking in the view before her. Eddie is a haggard mess, not looking any hotter than the man laying on the hospital bed himself.

"You don't have to worry. He just need to sleep through it and he'll be up in no time. Let the medications run their course." Hen offers her assurance, not that it ease her own worry any less. Pneumonia is a fickle thing as it is unpredictable, and Buck could turn for the worse instead of getting better. A knowledge she is sure Eddie is familiar with, but she keeps the thought to herself, not wanting to aggravate the situation. 

Heavy silence slowly falls between them, blanketing the space within, allowing both minds to wander in their own confined spaces. 

When the silence is becoming too much, Eddie decides breaking it down with, "aren't you going to say anything?" 

"What do you want me to say, Eddie?" Hen tries to placate, but not really trying that hard to evade the impending conversation. 

"You know what." Eddie bites, not bitterly, but with resign, voice heavy with defeat. 

"It is not my place." Hen replies instead, avoiding giving any direct answer.

"Please Hen, don't leave me hanging. Did you know?" Eddie is one moment away from kneeling before Hen, begging her for answers to the questions bombarding his mind. 

"I've noticed. _We_ have noticed."

"What should I do then, Hen?" Eddie pleads, looking so lost and distraught, one fist clenches tight against the hospital's scratchy blanket draped over Buck. How is he going to approach in this situation? Is this something that can be fixed? Does this even need fixing?

"What comes up to you when you think about Karen and me? Or Michael? Do you feel disgust? Shame?" Hen inquires with a leveled tone, without any malice or judgement. 

"What are you talking about? You guys are great!" Eddie replies rather quickly, looking genuinely disgruntled that Hen could even suggest the words to him. 

"Cool, you like us, but how you'd feel being in that relationship instead? Are you comfortable enough?" Hen raises an eyebrow questioningly, still donning her poker face.

"I mean..." Eddie did find some of his buddies in the army attractive. He knew he had let his eyes lingered few seconds longer than necessary everytime they'd changed or showered together. Old habit that he had brought with him when he moved to LA and started at the 118, but after Shannon returned back into the picture, he decidedly straighten himself back up. Be a man his wife needed him to be. But now...now he realised that being gay or bisexual doesn't make anybody lesser of a man or woman they are. 

Eddie dropped his head between his knees, shaking his head in disbelief. "He loves me." _Or loved_ , Eddie murmurs in realisation. He'd saw the signs, the cues Buck had been giving him, but admittedly, Eddie is afraid to act on that feeling, choosing to look past it.

"Please don't beat up yourself to it. We both know Buck is good at keeping stuff to himself." Hen consoles, all the while keeping her gaze fix on Eddie, prompting the man to open up himself more. 

"Many weeks back, when Buck came over, I got a little bit buzzed up that night. And...and..." Eddie wipes his face frustratingly. "And I remembered vaguely that I kissed him, or about to kiss him. I don't know anymore." He shakes his head, trying to reminisce about the night, but everything come out blurry, like a jagged picture, fractured into million pieces of incomplete puzzle. 

Hen keeps nodding, indicating that she is following. 

"But the next morning, Buck acted like nothing had happened, so I thought that it was a dream. Never thought he wanted me that way." Eddie says, a distant look in his eyes. 

"Then Heather came along." Hen probes. She knew Buck was hurting, she could see the longing look in his eyes, but Chimney and her decided not to meddle. To give them the chance to figure out their own shit. But now maybe it is the right time for a little intervention. 

"Yeah, and she is amazing and Buck has been supportive. So I thought, why not?" Eddie shrugs, doesn't really know what he should be feeling right now. Every time he went on date with Heather, Buck was so willing, so eager to babysit Chris. Hell, Buck even offered himself up without any prompting. 

"Do you love her?" Hen asks straight to the point with eyes firmly set on Eddie, making the man squirms in his seat. 

"I mean, she's great and all...," Eddie dwindles under her scrutinizing look. 

"No. Do. You. Love. Her?" Hen emphasised the question again with a more pointed look. 

"I...I... it's only a couple of weeks you know. Still early to tell." Eddie honestly doesn't know the answer to that. Yes, it is easy to get along with Heather. Yes, she is lovely, pretty, quite motherly. Eddie could click with her, but deep down, Eddie knows there is always something amiss that he couldn't really put his finger on. 

"Do you love Buck?" Hen shots instead. 

That got Eddie falters even more, blushing deeply as he avoids Hen's gaze in discomfort, glancing over to Buck to check in case the man is awake. Of course he loves Buck, but he lets the words halt behind his gritted teeth as he collects his jumbled thoughts. 

The question had thrown Eddie back to the period long before Heather, when Buck seamlessly filled in the spot next to him, always shoulder to shoulder on his side. 

How could he'd been so oblivious? How could Eddie missed the fact that Buck is always there, in his and Christopher's little home? Always been good to him and his son. How could he forget how empty he felt after the bombing, and even lonelier during the lawsuit.

Buck is his safety net, has always been one. Something grounding. Something assuring. 

"Eddie, it is okay to question your sexuality, to question your upbringing, to question your religion. We have been conditioned into heterosexuality since we were born." Hen supplies, standing up to bring her chair over to Eddie's side before sitting down facing directly to the man. Hen then reaches out for Eddie's hands and folded them into hers, providing support she knows he needed. 

"As your friend and resident lesbian, I'd say you love the idea of Heather. Because she is the embodiment of Buck; blonde, blue eyed, but in a female body, which conforms to the heterosexuality idea you grew up with, that we all grow up with." Hen says in a hushed tones, partly for not wanting to wake up Buck who is still dead to the world, and partly to avoid Eddie from feeling attacked. 

"You're afraid of the what ifs." Hen says with so much conviction and Eddie shy away from the attention casted on him. 

"Eddie, I've been shamed and shunned for being a black lesbian. I was soaked in shame when I wanted to kiss Lily from the cheerleader squad, because the Church had taught me that same sex relationship is a cardinal sin." Hen says after she places Eddie's face in between her hands so that their eyes meet. She only let go when suddenly her phone vibrate with notifications coming in. After a quick reply, Hen puts away the phone and refocus her attention to the veteran in front of her. 

"Eddie, I don't think you'll be having this crisis if you don't have any feeling for him, but you need to find your own ground. But I do know love and affection when I see one. I promise you, working on your internalized homophobia is an ongoing progress. I've worked on mine everyday growing up and I don't think I'm done." Hen says at last while getting up to gather her stuff. The fact that her phone keeps vibrating has not gone unnoticed by Eddie. 

"What do I need to do, Hen?" Eddie quickly asks after seeing Hen is in a rush to go. There are so many things running on his mind right now that Eddie has no idea where to begin with. 

"How about you try the mindfullness exercise. It did help me before. I'll send you the link." Hen provides before glancing to her phone screen once again.

"That's Karen. I hate to leave you here, but I really need to go." Hen pulls Eddie into a hug before giving him one last encouraging pat on the back and leaves the room. 

Eddie was left alone to tread on his own thoughts only for a while before Maddie slides in quietly with two paper cups in her hand. 

"Hey," Maddie says as she offers him a cup to which Eddie gladly accepts. The solid warmth in his hold is a total contrast to his chilled hands. 

Maddie gingerly fills in the chair Hen had pulled not far away beside Eddie. Stiff silence gradually unfolds between them and Eddie throws a glance at Maddie who is looking at her little brother with a mixture of emotions and suddenly the picture tilts and is slowly becoming clearer. 

Eddie takes another sip of the bitter coffee, trying to dislodge whatever lump stuck in his throat.

"You knew." He breathes out. 

"He's my little brother after all." Maddie shrugs, shifting in her seat without making any eye contact, nibbling her lower lip, and Eddie can see the resemblance in the siblings when they are uncomfortable after witnessing it multiple times before with Buck. 

"Why didn't he say anything to me." Eddie presses, not wanting to let this opportunity slides. 

"Because he got so much to lose if you don't reciprocate his feeling." The answer is simple, but the implication of it only reminds Eddie of one true fact. 

"Christopher."

Maddie nods in agreement. "Among other things. He loves that boy so much he doesn't want to risk it. Not with what he's going to lose if things went south; Christopher and your friendship. Both of you are the few good things that happen to him. He loves you guys like a family and losing both of you will break him. You'd seen how the lawsuit goes. He was a wreck." Maddie continues absent-mindedly, swirling her coffee without any fervor. 

Eddie feels his heart throbs. 

Noticing Eddie's conflicting expression, Maddie immediately panics. She shouldn't be spewing these informations. 

"Oh my God! I'm so sorry, I don't mean to put it out to you. Buck's going to kill me. But Eddie, please understand that you don't have the obligation to reciprocate his feeling out of guilt. Buck doesn't want that from you. He wants you to be happy. He'll move on." Maddie rambles, another feature that Eddie had found endearing everytime Buck does it. 

But all Eddie could hear now is that " _he'll move on."_

Buck will move on. 

What is his move now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've posted this finally. 
> 
> Please be kind in your comments and your kudos is highly appreciated. 
> 
> Join me at my Tumblr @cirrius-akiyo

**Author's Note:**

> I first listened to this song on the radio, and I knew right away, I need to write this. I'm currently stuck in fine-tuning "Focal Point", so this is a good diversion for me. Please enjoy. 
> 
> Say hi to me at my Tumblr: Cirrius-Akiyo.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always, always welcome.


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